my friend just showed me a scene from the dora movie about ravers im crying
Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
me: BLESS YOU!
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?