Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes