Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.

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Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.


So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!



Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…


Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired


[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop


[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?