Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I鈥檓 like 鈥f parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 馃幎I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Me: I鈥檒l have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don鈥檛 have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I鈥檓 not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up