Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Bed should get ready for ME
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
how was your vacation
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Finally!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*