Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged