@bondgirl_79

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

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@HiddleDeeDee

If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.

@drinksmcgee

I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…

Until I realize that maybe she has a type.

@KarenKilgariff

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

@iamspacegirl

Geppetto:
I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake

@10InchesPlus

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@imallwritecom

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

@weinerdog4life

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears