Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

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If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.


I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…

Until I realize that maybe she has a type.


There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much


Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.


I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake


You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!


her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows


Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby


We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears