Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG