@Sultani_Sails

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

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@Fred_Delicious

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

@NormsRespecter

Just remembered that time on here that a British person complained about how all other countries have an independence day and the United Kingdom doesn’t

@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@Tierno158

CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?

@fowlerism

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

@thatUPSdude

[AA Meeting]

“I think it’s time we address the elephant in the room”

Elephant: Hey hey I thought this was supposed to be anonymous!?

@Robert_Beau

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?