Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

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“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”


Just remembered that time on here that a British person complained about how all other countries have an independence day and the United Kingdom doesn’t


Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”


CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?


DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in


To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”


[AA Meeting]

“I think it’s time we address the elephant in the room”

Elephant: Hey hey I thought this was supposed to be anonymous!?


HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?