Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*