Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Best seat on the street 😍
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.