Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy