Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*