How about I get 100% off by already being there
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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
This classic never gets old . . .
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.