Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.

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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”


My new year’s resolution is to be more grammary and stop making up words.


I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!


My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.


If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?


MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.


To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.


I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.