@stanleybehrman

Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.

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@smirkykev

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

@gavinpivott

My new year’s resolution is to be more grammary and stop making up words.

@Birdhumms

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

@mamatomy3

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

@SteveSackington

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

@truegritrumble

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

@TheDairylandDon

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

@NYC_Blonde

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.