Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.