Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

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If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country


(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY


Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.


[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great


Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.


*sees any 3 stars in a row*

“that’s orion’s belt”


I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.


son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.


Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.