Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I beg your pardon?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.