@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

@sophielou

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

@Fickle_Filly

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

@chinchillasaur

[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great

@ariscott

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

@kristendrum

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

@HenpeckedHal

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

@MissSassy_Pants

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.