Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.