@SortaBad: Sorry I can't come to your thing tonight, I'm too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can't come to your thing next week
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband's surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
@Aspersioncast: What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.
@ThisLocalHater: Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?
@envydatropic: How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies? Me looking at your eyebrows