My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.