When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it’s best to remember they’re pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go
Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.
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Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man