@bendymommy

Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.

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@numbertze

When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it’s best to remember they’re pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go

@omgshuddup

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

@andlikelaura

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@juneohara65

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

@ThisOneSayz

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

@SoVeryBritish

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

@bourgeoisalien

Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective

@PaperWash

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man