Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.