@JesKeepSwimming

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

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@notalogin

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

@envydatropic

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

@mrjohntofu

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

@lazerdoov

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

@stevevsninjas

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@Jmboyd58

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.