The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
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Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.