@robfee
@candidartichoke
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
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@candidartichoke
@DothTheDoth
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
@sirchutney
RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.
@jazmasta
if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”
@hologramvin
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
@AimeeHelene1
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
@PwrFulWmn
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
@Parkerlawyer
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
@petemandik
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
@jharrison9292
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!