@robfee

Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.

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@BillMc7

I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

@QwertyJones3

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

@Thynebear

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

@prufrockluvsong

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

@t0shiba

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

@BuckyIsotope

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*