Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.

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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.


if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”



(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)


You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.


Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”


I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.