Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
set yourself free xox
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.