@JoshontheGo

Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.

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@butterwolf

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ?

@TheMichaelRock

Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.

@ObscureGent

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

@SparkNotes

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@unknownshoulder

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

@shutupmikeginn

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

@kimmie_1980

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…