@JoshontheGo

Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.

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@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@1800Randy

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

@envydatropic

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

@kieransofar

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

@ThRealBallsDeep

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

@Cravin4

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

@MikeEpps___

Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram

@AndreyasAsylum

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.