The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Jail
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Husband of the year 😂
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.