Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.

You Might Also Like


Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.


My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.


If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention


i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable


I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.


Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”


There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon


Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram


I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.