Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You Might Also Like
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.