Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

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Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?


My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume


Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.


If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals


ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world



if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?


not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven


I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am


BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit