Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
You are what you delete.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]