Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs