Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[eats all your cotton candy]
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.