@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

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@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

@mattZillaaaa

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

@simoncholland

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

@blairgarner

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

@CruisinSoozan

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

@oliivermarten

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

@MelissaJoy33

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!