Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
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Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Woke up against my better judgement again
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said