sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

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[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup


Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?


I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.


Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.


[loud knocking]


Me: Prove it.


Me: Sing “Roxanne.”


Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.


Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.


That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…


me: [getting out of the shower]

ghost: EWWwwwWWww

me: don’t you mean OOOoooOOoo

ghost: NOOoooOOoo


If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.