@IamEnidColeslaw

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

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@notacroc

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

@junejuly12

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@UncleDuke1969

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

@Darlainky

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

@Lexiedeadpool

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…

@notnotscotty

me: [getting out of the shower]

ghost: EWWwwwWWww

me: don’t you mean OOOoooOOoo

ghost: NOOoooOOoo

@InternetHippo

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.