sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
you gotta be faster
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
😅🤣😂
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat