“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy