“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Cardio Made Easy
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.