@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

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@LizHackett

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

@GlennyRodge

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

@Jazzzzzmina

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@MatCro

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

@realHamOnWry

A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

@Prof_Hinkley

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

@dafloydsta

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us