Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”


“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.


How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.


Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*



[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know


A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.


I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.


[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]


[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us