Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.