Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
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Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
This why you should mind your business
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
i love meeting boys on tinder
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.