Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I put the p in pants.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.