Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
LMAO.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises