Modded the new Gran Turismo
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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”