Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay