Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
You Might Also Like
Admin smashed it 😂
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”