[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?