@ForEllieSylvia

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

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@Brianhopecomedy

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

@VanGobot

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

@PickleRudd

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

@KKAlThani

Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.

@CerebralWreck

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!

@_salt_n_lime

I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.

@MichaelTrying

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

@trojansauce

DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically