Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”