@LizHackett

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

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@dubstep4dads

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

@thenatewolf

Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?

*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*

Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone

@prettysadmostly

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

@carrietini

According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@Turn2Dude

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

@GuyEndoreKaiser

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

@TheAlexNevil

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.