im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
You Might Also Like
Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?
*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*
Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.