I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“I’m helping” 😅
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars