@ANNIEwayyyy

“Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn’t be cows.”

~me giving directions

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@elle91

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

@peterjames48

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

@ComedicBust

I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.

@Book_Krazy

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

@Ygrene

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

@FunnyTunes

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

@MichaelLarrick

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

@crownjuul

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

@SoVeryBritish

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold