“Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn’t be cows.”

~me giving directions

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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.


“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)


I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.


[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”


Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day


If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.


Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.


Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?


If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold