A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact