@MrsTomServo

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

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@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

@BlairBraverman

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

@PieChord

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

@dafloydsta

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

@wescraw

We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.

@aotakeo

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

@astrobebs

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

@thenatewolf

*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.

*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.

@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.