Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

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So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?


Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.


Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.


I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.


We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.


NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]


Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that


*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.

*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.


Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.