Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Fixed this for Shakespeare
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.