Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.


*turns on deep-fryer*

*tosses in chicken nuggets*

*adds chamomile and lavender*

*recites from the Book of Shadows*

Voila, Wiccan Nuggets



ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.


A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?


If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.


Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!


There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like


Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”


I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.


DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money