Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.
*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.