@MrsTomServo

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

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@OopsieCrazy

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

@TheIronSherk

*turns on deep-fryer*

*tosses in chicken nuggets*

*adds chamomile and lavender*

*recites from the Book of Shadows*

Voila, Wiccan Nuggets

@DurtMcHurtt

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

@joshgondelman

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

@mikhailsen1

If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.

@3sunzzz

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

@adamgreattweet

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

@YayForAnxiety

Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

@WGladstone

I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.

@ArfMeasures

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money