Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Morning my dudes.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid