@sharpular
@thestlouisan ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice
BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth
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@thestlouisan 
@peteholmes “dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
@markydoodoo At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
@TravLeBlanc A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
@CaniacMONK *Sees thing on floor
*Vacuums over said thing
*Vacuum cant pick it up
*Picks up thing
*Looks at it
*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum
@adamrensch *walks into Kinko’s*
YO I NEED A CAT SCAN
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t–”
*opens bag & removes a terrified cat*
I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.
@kellyoxford How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
@ShortSleeveSuit *signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
@NickMotown To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”
@SteveSuckington Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry