@sharpular

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

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@Ndeshi_M

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

@TheAlexNevil

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@softboyuk

Teaching six year olds via zoom is so funny. I’ll spend 15 minutes explaining a literacy task and when I ask if they have any questions they’ll be like “do you have a cat?”

@iAmDelFreaky

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

@mommajessiec

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

@PhriendlyCody

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

@StaceyShortcake

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.