Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Teaching six year olds via zoom is so funny. I’ll spend 15 minutes explaining a literacy task and when I ask if they have any questions they’ll be like “do you have a cat?”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
im all 3