Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
monday
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Mornin. * use accordingly
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.