@Jenny4ashley

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

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@ok_one_more

I don’t want to sound insensitive but I used to dream of the day I would only have to leave groceries outside my mothers door!!

@li4mst3w4rt

alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”

@shkeeber

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Orally.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

@FredTaming

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

@pittdave13

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

@aRealLiveGhost

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

@i_theindian

Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”

@heckinglame

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.