SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..