Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
2023 was just a warmup
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now