Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

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May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”


My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.


I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”


ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me


If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.


Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.


the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.


You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..