@iRowlf

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

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@fro_vo

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

@AngieMaxwell1

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

@Hypercraxy

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

@Home_Halfway

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

@dysalexia

Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes 🙁

@anagramps

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

@roxiqt

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

@causticbob

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay