Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*


“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”


Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19


I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.


People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical


Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes 🙁


*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*


I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.


In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.


I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay