Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]