Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
me: not that this helps you
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
me: …an aquatic sea animal
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
me: please go away


If I went back in time I’d tell myself…

“Don’t wait until 29 to become a stripper. You get to be naked, drunk and get paid for it!”


I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.


My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.


I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.


BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is


people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola


A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do


Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.