Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over