Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
never compromise your values
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.