Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

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robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies


judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor


I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.


Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.



“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”


*priest drops bible*


[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out


When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.


1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside


Do you sell bloodpants?







“Right this way…”


ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here