Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels