robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Right this way…”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here