@CarolineCasey

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

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@OllyiConic

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

@DanMentos

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

@Tmoney68

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

@dafloydsta

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

@RdrJay47

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

@jonnysun

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

@timdonakowski

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

@blahdevivre

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here