You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
me: no shoes in the house
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.
Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet