@DiscountLando

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”

“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”

*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

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@copymama

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

@skittle624

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

@FunnyBison

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

@krisv_723

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

@delusions_of

Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.

@TeachersHot

Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet